Cuckoo's Nest

You wanna drive someone bonkers? Move them to any home/apt. around 12th and Hawthorne and tell them to try and sleep and rest. You can't. Especially around the 4th of July. Last night, the 3rd, someone(s) decided it would be AWESOMe to let off the biggest and the loudest possible fireworks you can get next to the giant ones they use downtown for the big day. And keep doing it all f*^!ing night!! Then, on the 4th, decide it would be sooo cool and hip to have a LIVE band play on the front lawn so EVERYONE can hear all f*&!ing night long.
There is no where to hide. No corner. No closet. Can't watch a movie cuz I cannot hear it. I am tired, mentally a physically as a result of my full schedule this week (not to mention the heat), and my poor little being sees no relief coming for the rest of the night.
Dear God, pretty please tell me that one day I will have that cabin on the lake and I will spend every future July 4th there in the quiet of nature. THANKS. You are awesome.
ADDENDUM to this blog...about 1.5 hours later and a new band has started in the back yard of the next door neighbors home...so right behind my window. This has attracted a full-on concert like atmosphere. Screaming fans on the lawn and on the roof right below my window. I daresay I actually LIKE what I am hearing so have taken out the ear plugs for this show. Apparantly I am not as much of an old lady as my craving for peace and quiet might lead one to believe.
Still annoying but I guess if you can't beat 'em...

Yoga is amazing

Just felt like saying that I love yoga. I have been going to the Bikram studio on Fremont for a year now (well, that is a stretch as I confess to having missed five months in the winter) and it is pretty remarkable how much it helps cleanse a tired, stressed out, toxin filled body. I mean, I don't put a whole lot of junk into my system, but I still find the wringing out effect of hot yoga to be unlike any other exercise I have tried. And the mental toughness you gain is truly priceless.
Take today for example. I awoke in a funk and doubting my everything I can possibly doubt, and I showed up half asleep to class, stretched and sweated through the 90 minutes and now I feel much better. Sunshine is back in my head again. (though I will add here that the oven pancake, strawberries and coffee helped pack a little extra sunshine in when I got home!)
So, now what? What do I want to do today? I want to go to a cabin in the woods with a lake and a boat and swim. Float. Anyone have one they can spare?

Evergreen Art Show

Tonight I am selling some wares on Alberta with a handful of other artists and craftspeople. This is the first time in a couple of years I have done this and I have been putting together some cards, gift boxes and finishing up a few little (4x6) paintings on panel of views from my new apartment. I also have some drawings I did while in San Francisco.
Address is 5024 NE 30th Ave, aka the MANsion.

New Beginnings.

It is funny. I come to this computer at the library downtown and go into myspace and facebook and now this blog situation, and the cat gets my tongue. I know I have things to say, but do I really want to utter them? To express myself and say what I feel when it seems everyone and their mother is and it is published online and do I really want to partake? But then I am like, well, I sometimes really like to read what others are going through to help me understand what I experience or to know I am not the only one or......hmmmmmmm.
Listening to my 'friend' Alanis while I write. The prime example of a woman who has put her emotions out there on a plate and has helped me considerably. Thanks, lady.
I am painting more lately and it feels good. This is one aspect of the new beginnings. It is like breathing (except for the fact that the fumes are a bit overwhelming. He he). After walking away from it all and breaking down for a long while and struggling just to wake up in the morning and breathe and eat, I think I have come back around to the fact that I actually like painting. I like to observe and report. That painting what I see around me is a meditation and to take the days and weeks to capture each little scene is totally and completely fulfilling to me. But for a long while it was not meant to happen.
I only now am becoming more comfortable with myself in a way I never before experienced, and this includes honoring all the different cycles I go through, breakdowns, breakthroughs and everything in between. For years I have longed for more feelings of peace, stability, happiness...and I can feel these on a much more regular basis now. Thank goodness.

Forever

I am still alive. It has been almost a year since I blogged for I lost interest for a long while. Now I am at work, a slow day enabling me to take care of this business that has been a tick in my brain for a long time. This blog needs a new skin. New energy. Happiness. More later. Consider this a temporary place holder.

Myth vs Reality.

A year and a half ago, I decided to put away my customer service shoes and embark upon life as an artist with the intent to just make money on my art.  Though I did not have a financial plan set out, I knew I needed to do it.  I knew it did not make money sense, but since it made sense in every other way to me, I went with it.  And I wanted to see if it was true (call it my own personal scientific experiment), that if you do what you love, or what your gift is, or whatever, that the money will take care of itself.  

Though I do believe this can work out, and has worked out for others, it was not the case with me, at least not at this time. I say this matter of fact-like now, though coming to grips months ago with the reality was not an easy thing.  Now, I am working and making money through serving again.  The interesting thing about getting back to work has been that I realize how much I actually like the jobs, for one.  After a long period of 'solo' time, dressing up for work and socializing with customers is a welcome change, and I am reminded of how much it suits me, as I have always liked to throw a good party and serve people food and drink.  And despite the stressful times, I like the two places I work.  The bosses treat me well, and the customers are, for the most part, quite lovely. And there is cash.  The luxury of being able to go out and buy myself a pair of new work shoes makes me giddy with excitement.  And being able to go to yoga class again is a welcome change.  

The trade off has been that all my creativity has gone into these new areas of my life.  And this is good for now, but it is a season that will not last forever.  

And I ask myself if it ever really was my 'dream' to do art and live off the selling of it.  Well, for a time, yes.  I wanted to prove to myself I could make it work.  But I did not.  I followed my intuition for a reason, and it led me to facing some truths in my personal life that had nothing to do with art making.  Or maybe everything, for when I create again these lessons will inevitably affect my work.  

The internal earthquakes I spoke of in my last blog three months ago were huge and I have not been specific about them for the reason that it is still too fresh.  I am still grieving, still adjusting to my new life in Portland.  At once in awe of the awesome change and sad as hell at times just the same.  Because I really truly thought that California was where I needed to go for my career.  That I did not want to do customer service again.  I am a classic case of never say never.  

This brings me to Alanis Morisette.  On Wednesday, I saw her new Underneath video for the first time and the song hit a deep personal chord.  She has always inspired me and been a comfort through her gut wrenchingly honest words and this new song is no exception.  In fact, I felt her channeling true divine energy in this song about what is happening in her heart affecting so much the outer world.  I have been challenged all my life with self-defeating thoughts within that run so deep, it is a wonder I function at all on the physical plane. But I do, as do so many of us, though we tend to act out our wounded hearts and cause grief to ourselves and others like nobodies business.

So, this is all I have for today.  That I am sitting here writing feels good for the first time in a long time.  

Plate Tectonics

Hey ya'll. Plate tectonics, you know, the earthquake related thingys we all learned about in junior high, describe my life of late. The rubbing together of metaphorical giant plates creating a natural disaster and emotional shifts and oooohhhhh crap, not again!!! Not to mention work. I have been working a lot lately to pay back all those college loans, loans from friends, and the basic phone bill, among the other necessities such as cat litter and food. Oh yea, and Tri-Met. Seeing as I live five years from anything in Portland (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration) I am on the bus often. And staring and waiting not always so patiently for my stop to arrive. I realize this is not really the most interesting topic I have ventured into, but I am just not feeling like there is much else in me that wants to flow out onto this computer.
As for art in my life, it is taking the form of making a living. It is in the little everyday things I am doing to recreate my life here in Portland, as it is virtually a blank slate. I do have a tv, a temporary cot thingy, an old tattered chair my friend Kim gave back to me, and some boxes full of important papers and such. These elements and my cats and a few paintings pretty much wraps it all up.
I am working on a logo for my friend Jessica's new company, called Overflow Research, LLC, and it is coming, but not quite perfect yet. It takes time to come around to just the right image, and I will not be satisfied until it clicks and she loves it. Not a simple task, quite frankly.
Right now I am going to head out for another long bus ride. Goodbye.